I wrote about resilience before my son died. Here’s what I got wrong.

Published on January 12th, 2025

Resilience is often described as the ability to bounce back from hardship, to recover quickly from challenges. Before my son’s death, I wrote about resilience as if it were something that could be easily understood and applied. I believed in the power of overcoming adversity and assumed that resilience was simply a matter of mental strength. But after experiencing the heartbreaking loss of my son, I realized how much I misunderstood the true nature of resilience. In this article, I reflect on what I got wrong about resilience and how my perspective has changed since that tragic event.

The Illusion of “Bouncing Back”

Before my son passed away, I viewed resilience as the ability to bounce back after a setback. I thought that once you face a challenge, you recover and continue on with your life, stronger than before. However, after the loss of my son, I realized that resilience isn’t about going back to the way things were. It’s not about returning to normal or “getting over” the pain. Instead, it’s about learning to live with the new reality. The idea of bouncing back felt like a distant fantasy; the reality was that I had to find a new way to exist, to navigate a world without my child.

Resilience Isn’t About Being Strong All the Time

I once believed that resilience meant being strong, even when things were tough. I thought that the stronger you were, the easier it would be to weather life’s storms. However, I soon realized that resilience doesn’t mean you never break down or feel weak. It doesn’t mean you always have to be composed. In fact, true resilience involves allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, and to experience pain. It’s not about putting on a brave face but about embracing vulnerability. The strength is in allowing yourself to feel, to mourn, and to heal.

The Importance of Support Systems

Before my son’s death, I thought that resilience was something personal, something you had to achieve on your own. I didn’t fully understand the power of a support system. After my son died, I discovered how crucial it is to lean on others, whether it’s friends, family, or even professional help. Resilience isn’t just about inner strength; it’s about recognizing that you don’t have to carry the burden alone. Healing involves connection, compassion, and community. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to lean on others when you feel like you can’t stand on your own.

There Is No Timeframe for Resilience

Another misconception I had was that resilience meant returning to a sense of normalcy within a certain timeframe. I believed there was a point where I should “move on” or “get back to life.” After losing my son, I realized that there is no timeline for resilience. Everyone’s healing process is different, and it doesn’t have to follow a set path. There are days when the grief is overwhelming, and there are days when it feels lighter. But there is no deadline for healing, and no one should feel pressured to get through their pain in a specific amount of time.

Resilience Is a Continuous Journey

Before my son died, I thought of resilience as a single moment of overcoming hardship. However, I now see it as a continuous journey. It’s not about achieving one final victory over adversity. Resilience is about showing up every day, even on the days when you don’t feel like you can. It’s about continuing to move forward, even if it’s just one small step at a time. Some days will be harder than others, but that doesn’t mean you’re not being resilient. It’s part of the journey.

Conclusion: A New Understanding of Resilience

Losing my son has reshaped my understanding of resilience. It’s no longer a concept I can easily define or quantify. It’s not about bouncing back or staying strong all the time. True resilience is about learning to live with loss, being kind to yourself through pain, leaning on others, and understanding that healing takes time. It’s an ongoing process that requires patience, vulnerability, and community. Though I once thought I understood resilience, my son’s death has taught me that resilience is something much deeper and more complex than I ever imagined. It’s a journey of embracing life, even when life has been irrevocably altered.